I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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