you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm sobbing to NWA
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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