Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
it's like iHOP with fire
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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