I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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