i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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