If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
