I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
