no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
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She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
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Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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