I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
