So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
