i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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