Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
