Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I party with great urgency now.
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