This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
