8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
