i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Slut skills are useful in every country.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Randomize
