He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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