I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
