i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize
