Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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