Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
