Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
