turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
