I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
