Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Hippo gnu deer
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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