My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
