you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
