Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
