Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
