she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
