Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
