tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Randomize
