He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
