I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
a search helicopter?!
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
This baby is an asshole
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
