When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
