Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
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