First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
There's always time for handjobs
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
