yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.