I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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