I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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