So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
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Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
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And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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