I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
