Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
