I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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