my mouth tastes like poor choices
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
