Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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