Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
