I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
