I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Randomize
