swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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