He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
