Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
