There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
