fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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