Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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