God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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