John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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