Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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